The 1st half of school

Today is the first day of summer vacation as school is officially over. I don't think I could have ever imagined the type of year it would be living as a widower and continuing to go to work and do all of the things trying to be a good father to my kids. Reflecting back on these past 9 months at work, I had some highs and lows. The first 4 months, August- November were probably as good a 4 months as I could imagine. I helped established a new school news crew club and was able to develop engaging lessons in my classroom. This was the first time that I started a school year without being a football coach and I think it played a role in helping me focus on my students and developing better lessons. 

Things all changed however, soon after wrestling season started and I had to get back to coaching. The practice time and wrestling tournaments were hard to manage as a single parent. I wanted to be there for the team but I couldn't be because I often left practice early to pick up my kids from school. I gave a lot of coaching responsibilities to my two young assistant coaches. After a month into the season, me and my two assistant coaches had a huge argument and it started to effect my duties as a coach. They felt empowered as coaches because often times I would let them run the wrestling practices as I handled fundraising, schedule, recruiting and parent concerns. 

After our argument, the two coaches decided to quit after our first tournament in December. So the principal and assistant principal had to step in and intervene. We each had a private meeting with the administrators. The end result was allowing the two to return as coaches. The next couple of weeks were awkward because I was forced to work with two coaches that I felt I couldn't trust. I also started to feel different towards my principal, who I felt forced me to work with dudes I don't like or trust. 

This became a very stressful time for me. I began to drink wine on school nights. I also started to get very irritated very easily and mean. In the 3 weeks of school in December, I started missing days of school due to my drinking. During this time my mom and aunt Win became concerned about me. Eventually I decided to take a 6 weeks break from school and to relinquish my head wrestling coaching duties in order to get myself together. 

Motivated by God

I've been keeping busy these last couple of days. Going to church, cleaning, and trying to finish my coursework has helped me focus on other things in my life. There are still times however, when all I can think about is my wife Davalyn. I sometimes sit and think about all the good times we shared together. Remembering how we first started dating and all the late night phone conversations we shared together. I used to love hearing her voice. As we got older I never got tired of hearing her talk to me. We shared everything together. We were a team. And I miss having her around. The last couple of months together were very tough as I watched her go through so much pain. I am relieved knowing that now she is pain free living in Paradise, in heaven for eternity with God the Father and Jesus our Lord and Savior. I know that one day I will see her again. Thank you Jesus for your glory.

Home-going Service

Today we had our funeral service for my wife Davalyn.  As believers of Christ it is called a Home-going service because we celebrate the fact that she has gone home to be the Lord in heaven.  The service was really nice.  Our minister, minister Jacques Mountain, and the rest of our church family, did an outstanding job and really was there with me and my family in our time of grief.  The message for today's service was to acknowledge God's love and His presence.  God is love.  He is in the business of healing and forgiveness. We must remember that it wasn't God that allowed my wife to get sick and pass from this earth.  The enemy satan is in the business to kill, steal, and destroy.  Let us not let satan think for a moment that he has won. Just because she is no longer here on earth, she never died.  She is now with the risen King, seated in heavenly places. When we pass from this world, our Spirit leaves our body and it lives on in heaven.

Now that the service is over, our extended family is packing up and getting ready to go back home.  We must continue to live our lives and trust in Jesus.  I have my mother who is willing to help me and the kids at times, but for the most part, it's going to be just me and them.  I am going to surround them by people who are likeminded Christians.  We will be attending church more regularly.  I want my children to grow up in the church like their mother.  I didn't have Christ when I was a child and I struggled to understand the important things about life.  Once I started to understand how much Jesus loved me in spite my past, I was convinced that His love was different.

There were so many things I loved about my wife, and the thing I admire about her the most was making sure that our children went to church. Both of them were christen when they were babies and they both go to church.  Having the presence of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit in our lives is all because of Davalyn.  So I just praise Jesus for everything.  Thank you for giving me moments to cherish, value, and keep for eternity.

Thank you

I am taking the time to thank the Lord for sending me such a beautiful angel from heaven.  I met Davalyn over 18 years ago when I just 20 years old.  It was love at first sight.  I remember talking to her over the phone and falling in love with her sweet voice.  I had never met a person as nice as her.  She never wanted anything from me except for honesty, friendship, and love. We were best friends for over 18 years. When I found Davalyn I found my blessing.  She was a God first person.  She had the Lord in her heart and his light shined through her. We built a life together and had two beautiful children.  She was a person with goals and ambitions. She knew that God would always make a way for us.

My prayer

Thank you Jesus for being more than a blessing.  Your amazing love is unlike anything else in this world. Your love is unconditional, infinite, and everlasting.  Thank you for your daily presence. I need you to help guide me in all my ways.  With you I have confidence in any area.  Without you I am lost without a map.  I am reminded of you love when I look at my children, when I look in the mirror, whenever I laugh, when I cry, every second of every minute.  You wake me up every morning and help me sleep every night.  You said in your word that whenever I acknowledge you that you will direct my path.  I praise you now and forever in Jesus name.  Amen      

So many people

Today is Friday morning and I really didn't get the kind of sleep I was expecting on my first day in my new bed.  I think it had something to do with the millions of people that made their way over to visit us on yesterday.  I appreciate all of the love and support from our family and friends, but I'm just not used to having people over. I used to think that it would be kind of fun having parties and barbeques and inviting lots of people to come over the house.  But now I realize that I'm just not that type of person.  I'm not the extravert I thought I was.

It has been so very difficult trying to deal with my emotions at this moment.  I am happy that the funeral is tomorrow so that I can have a chance to sleep and take care of my children.  Right now it's a bit overwhelming.  I think there will be more people visiting later today and again tomorrow before and after the service, but I sure hope that they don't stay too long.  On yesterday I don't think that I've ever talked to so many people, about random stuff before in my life.  Being a host is not my cup of tea.  I do however, like the fact that I am capable of talking to people and I am willing to meet and make new friends.  A couple of guys from the dance studio came over and we had a good conversation.  It's refreshing to see people willing to help and seem to be sincere.  It one thing to say in a text message to call me if you need something, it's another thing to come over and look me in the eye and say I'll come over and cut your grass next week if you want me to.  Making new friends hasn't always been easy for me in the past because of trust issues, but I pray that the Lord will deliver me from that spirit allow for new friends to come into my life.  

Later today I am going to visit the funeral home and see her body before the funeral.  I think they need me to make the call on what color lipstick she should where and things like that.  I'm a bit apprehensive, because I know that it's not her that I will be looking at, just her body.  But I know that it is all part of the process and so I have to continue to take care of the business at hand.

Next week I'll start mailing out notices to all credit card companies, medical services, and all other things that was in my wife's name.  I haven't figured out whether or not I can still afford to keep the house.  Hopefully I can because I like to keep my kids in the same community, school, church, and after school activities.  For now, I going to take it one day at a time and I am not going to worry about the things of tomorrow.  I will continue to allow for Jesus to lead me and guide my life.

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:6

Healing Process

My wife of 12 years died last Friday from cancer. Today is Wednesday and I haven't been able to sleep much since it happened. This morning I decided to write a journal to help me cope with the way I'm feeling.  Last night I had a talk with her mother and father. We shared some intimate things with one another and I was able to get to know them a little better. Her father explained to me why he and his first wife, my wife's mother, divorced. He also shared his heart being broken because soon after the divorce, his ex wife moved 7 hours away and took their daughter. He talked about how much it hurt him to not be able to spend time with his daughter, but he was able to pick up the pieces and find love again. He re-married and started a new life with his new family. His new wife had two children before they got married and he never had another child.

My wife would often speak to me about how she felt abandoned as a child. I remember her telling me that even though she visited her father and his new family in the summer, she often felt a little different because it wasn't the same. She felt more like a step-daughter than a real daughter.

And so now I am learning more and more things about my wife and how her childhood affected her as an adult. Her not being able to trust people is partly due to her life as a child. She lived with a single mother in a big city and she would have lots of different baby sitters. She longed for her father and mother to be together again and began to develop a sense of untrustworthiness in people.

For these reasons, I understand why she had trust issues with me. During the last two years of our marriage, I was her caretaker. I drove her to her doctors appointments, made several trips to emergency room, picked up prescriptions, brought dinner to her while she was a patient in the hospital, helped her get out of bed, helped her to get dressed, answered every text. In addition to being her caretaker, I also took on more responsibilities with raising our two children.  I had to cook more, clean, wash clothes, drive them to school, pick them up from school, take days off from work, attend school related activities, drive to practice.

Towards the end of her life she admitted to me that she never really trusted me because of my past relationships with women before our marriage. Even after 13 years of marriage, 2 children, a house, two cars, open assess to all my social network passwords, and me taken care of her, I always felt like she never really trusted me.  Now that she's gone, I now understand that it had a lot to do with her childhood and I will always love her. Forever.